Repent for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.

I have felt myself drifting slowly further and further from the mind-set which has prevailed in me for the last 15 years that I have been a Christian. I have accepted holus bolus what I have heard and not questioned at all. Now I find myself uncomfortable with what I hear in church. Make no mistake, I love the Jesus, and trust Yahweh completely, o I believe I am still technically a Christian, but the mindset has problems for me and I have decided to try and find what it is that alienates me by looking at the Bible. This will no doubt be a long journey. I hope that it will be a thorough one but knowing myself I am unsure of this. Nonetheless I want to try and do it justice for my own sake and the sake of my family and friends.

So I will start at Matthew 3.1 because what goes before is the Christmas story and a whole lot of generational stuff.

John the Baptist appears. In his appearance there is already a whole lot of prophecy and mystery, as his mother allegedly prophesied over Mary when they met and Elizabeth was already pregnant. He was prophetic even in the womb since he “jumped in his mother’s womb” when she saw Mary.

Of course this is all hearsay. It has been retold by others before we even hear it from Matthew, but we either believe it or not based on whether we buy the Bible story. I do believe it. That is what faith is. You believe something when it is said to you. No amount of evidence will convince you if you do not have faith. Or said another way, to come to faith through evidence is a contradiction in term because faith is not based on evidence it is based on an inner conviction

So I conclude i believe that John the baptiser was a prophet. He felt an inner prompting to speak out that things were not right. Whether he knew that from being around people or not, is an open question. He was apparently from the desert where he practised some form of asceticism or withheld himself from worldly pleasures. So he would have been inclined to be quite extreme by ordinary standards. Yet he didn’t fall into the same category as the orthodox Jews because he called them a brood of vipers. So he wasn’t just an ordinary prude. We feel that because he lived in the desert and the desert is often a symbol in the Bible for purity (people go there to fast) that he has some sort of inside track on holiness. So he has credentials.

his is again where faith comes in. I feel it in my bones that he knew what he was talking about.  Here is a man who s everything that I am not. I indulge my passions. I drink too much, I get angry with everything and everybody and let my mind wander. But he is a man who has a different focus. My instinct is to believe him, to listen to what he has to say. and what does he say?

REPENT FOR THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN IS AT HAND. Things have gone along like this for too long. There is a change coming. God is reinstating his rule. If you have bought into the rule of the previous king (who the Hell could that have been?)then your time is up. So make your choice. If you want to be part of the previous reign then you should know that you are being served notice.

The Problem is that we don’t see much of the new reign or ruler around us. Things have gone on like this for so long and there are lots of nice explanations for the fact. The evidence is scanty that there has been a change of rule. So what is the reason? I suppose that is one of the things that I will try to clear up for myself. It’s like a dash of lukewarm water after the cold water of the announcement that John came to make. The kingdom line makes me excited and the other one makes me depressed. Let’s hope that I can work through this in a way that will resolve my doubts or at least leave me invigorated for what I come to believe is the truth. Maybe the answer is not clearcut but rather what allows conviction to arise from within me. Only God knows

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wilderness?

I have been reading a book called Out Of Church Christians and one part
of it refers to the “Wilderness Experience” and how it is biblical and how
people believe that they have been called out of church structures to unlearn
stuff and come back with a “new revelation” and it seems to me to be more of
the same old same old. God did reveal himself to people in Jesus. He doesn’t
need us to get any new revelations until we get the old revelation. All this
stuff about revelations is more Gnostic stuff (spiritualising practical stuff
because it is believed that spiritual is somehow better than physical) that is
deflecting the true message of Jesus that was reflected so graphically in the
story in the New Testament about the rich young ruler (Matt 19.21). This man
asked what he must do to inherit the kingdom and he knew the answer taught in
the Bible. He kept those. But additionally Jesus added that he had to give away
all he had and follow Jesus. He couldn’t. Jesus shows us a radical way and
though many are called, few are chosen, because until you can you are not a
true disciple. We find al sorts of ways to justify not being faithful to him.
Our possessions prove where our hearts lie. If we could all live like this then
we would change the world in a heartbeat. But we can’t so we won’t.

 

I am not saying I have the faith for this.
I do know that churches spend a lot of time teaching ways to get around this.
One of the ways is that we are taught it is all about eternal life. We are saved
for heaven by believing in Jesus. But believing in Jesus means believing what
he said is true and he said we shouldn’t worry too much about possessions but
have faith in him and his saying that we should first seek the kingdom of God and his righteousness, which is
countercultural, transforming our culture by being different. We aren’t. Our
culture and the culture of the world thus far, have been about “taking care of
number one”. So we make it about heaven and instead of transforming the world
one person at a time as he did, we get them to say a little prayer that will
“save” them and leave them to die in their poverty because he blesses the poor.

 

We ignore scriptures like the one about the
sheep and the goats or spiritualise them somehow to make sure they don’t refer
to us. But it is clear that Jesus said “if you love me you will obey my
commands”. Which ones? His most important bit of teaching is the Sermon on the
Mount which is almost entirely about people other than the average Christian.
What does this say to us? Am I being overboard? I suppose I am according to the
definition of most churches.

 

The wilderness experience also seems to be
about getting closer to God and experiencing his presence, worshipping him more
fully and so on and so on. Jesus spoke about a generation that would worship
him in spirit and in truth. I am sure he had had enough of people who danced
around the altar and then went away and treated others badly and lived in
luxury while others starved. He spoke out against those people: us. We mouth
cute Christian platitudes and disobey him by hoarding against our old age while
others starve.

 

God help me. I am speaking like a lunatic.

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responsibility

This morning while I was thinking about stuff and reading…the Bible
(Hey even Muslims read it now and then!) I was thinking that, if one is
in leadership and one observes behaviour that is potentially harmful in
one of your leaders that you are trusting to go out and do some more of
the same work, then it is not enough to just tell the person that they
have a “potentially fatal flaw” and to watch out for it. One has the
responsibility to help that person get behind what the cause is of this
flaw, and help them to sort it out. And if it is serious enough, stop
them from doing what is bound to expose others to this flaw, or at
least monitor them until you are sure that it is not going to be
destructive.

Am I right? Anything less would not only be irresponsible.

I have made the same mistake. I released somebody to preach and
invited them to be part of a leadership team when all I really wanted
was to win them over and to maximise their potential. Eventually I had
to uninvite them because it turned out that they were not suitable for
the job, because of 2 things, one was they had too much baggage at that
time, and the other was a clash in values. Both of them serious. It
caused a lot of hurt in them just loaded more hurt onto their already
fragile psyche.

It is not enough to just take a ce la vie attitude with that
because although the Lord uses the Romans 8.28 principle when we mess
up, and this inevitably srfaces a lot of stuff in us that needs to be
dealt with, and should be dealt with, people get hurt.

I think that is why the Bible says that we shouldn’t lay hands on
somebody too soon. We hurt them and no matter how gifted they are, it
can only end in tears.

…..This is what makes me so distrustful of the principle of leadership per se. There is just too much that can go wrong.

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Further to discipleship

I realise that when I make suggestive statements about leaders that obviously I implicate people that have been part of my journey even if I don’t mention their names. The writer of the proverbs says that God hates arrogance and back-biting. I am in danger of doing exactly what I say others have been guilty of: incarnating my brokenness in what I do in the church, and I repent of that…I want to turn away from it. I have been hurt and so I bleed over everybody. There is no excuse for that, in Biblical terms. It is right that I apportion guilt where it is deserved, so that I can forgive and move on, but to make vague statements is not cool, and is even sin!

I don’t know if I will ever have the moral courage to sort out my differences with others. Who knows they may prove to me that my hurt was subjective and take away the basis for my accusations! Of course that doesn’t take away the fact that my hurt, though subjective, is real and that is how these tings happen: we sustain hurt because of vulnerabilities from previous wounding and so it is compounded again and again. People act towards each other in good faith and still we get hurt. It is the way of th world. What the church is about is trying to grow to the place where we are healed up enough by Jesus’ love and spiritual transformation to not be quite so vulnerable and thin-skinned any more, to work out our stuff with one another and show a better model to the world, and to spread the model. And that is what I want to be part of: it is discipleship, and it is the path I choose. So I apologize to those nameless people for accusing them where they cannot defend themselves, and I resolve to continue to process my stuff and be discipled by Jesus until I die…

Maranatha! Come Lord Jesus!

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personal discipleship

I think we have to forget about the obsession with organised efforts to
conform Christians. That CAN often be less about discipleship and more
about money, power, spiritual laziness, and the effort to be part of a
Hegemony where we are not challenged. Our efforts would be better spend
with personal transformation which will hopefully lead to
transformation of society. If groups of people who are dedicated to
becoming like Christ, meet and infiltrate society with grace and
compassion, being counter-cultural as we reflect an alternative of
caring and sacrifice, we will be closer to Jesus and his disciples,
whom he laid hands on to spread the word and the deed.

It is a challenge for me. Everything is in the Bible abut how to
be. If we started only with the sermon on the mount and applied that
consistently, we would find that the church (as Jesus defined it=
something against which the gates of hell would not prevail) would be
what it was supposed to be, a personal manifestation of a spiritual
transformation that would establish the reign of Christ on the earth!

But that would mean that I would have to take seriously my
availability to Christ’s internal transformation process and leave
behind my laziness and give up my excuses and become yeast, salt, light!

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leadership contd.

This morning I am horrified at what I said about leaders yesterday, even if it is of necessity true. We cannot help incarnating our brokenness (wounding, sin whatever you want to call it) into our ministries. Our ministries are often manifestations of our own desire to gain significance. It is human and I have done it and am even more horrified now that I see some of the fruits of what I did with the best of intentions.

is the answer to not have organised church? I don’t think so, it is impossible to avoid some form of organisation. But the burden of pain and despair that is caused by church structures and people who are in leadership positions in such structures is the issue and I wish I knew the answer. There are MANY people who have drifted away from church as a result. Not all of them are pathetic little people who are living out their rebellion and wounding in a bitter and acidic rant against the church and leaders. Many have legitimate problems with the inevitable momentum of the juggernaut called church structure, when good intentions and the “seeing through a glass darkly” mix to apply discipline and then simple pride and ignorance mix to inhibit genuine reconciliation. It is a human condition and it seems like the joke God played on us, because there is no way we can get it right.

GGRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!GRACE!!! GRACE!!!RACE!!! GRACE!!!

We need grace. We need to accept that it is set up so that we will need him and never forget it and will have to be like him and not count every slight as he didn’t and count it and choose to face the hurt and desolation of human relationships and inhale the fragrance of  dependence on him and knowing there is no way to avoid it but to do what we have to do in any case.

I wish I had the answer but I don’t. In the meantime I will choose the route of transformation, where I depend on him, and eat the bitter scroll.

Have mercy on us Lord! Maranatha! Come Lord jesus, come!

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WHAT KIND OF PERSON AM I?

Dallas Willard says the following:in his book “Renovation of the heart”:

“We must clearly understand that there is a rigorous consistency in the human self and its actions. This is one of the things we are most likely to deceive ourselves about. If I do evil, I am the kind of person who does evil; if I do good, I am the kind of person who does good (1 John 3:7-10) Actions are expression of who we are. They come out of the heart.

One of the most common rationalizations of sin or folly today is ‘Oh, I just blew it.’ While there is some point to such a remark, it is not the one those who use it hope for. It does not exonerate them. While it may be true that there are circumstances in which I would not have done the foolish or sinful thing I did, and while what I did may not represent me fully, ‘Blowing it’ does represent me fully. I am the kind of person who ‘blows it’. “Blowing it’ shows who I am as a person. I am, through and through, the kind of person who ‘blows it’ — hardly a lovely and promising thing to be.”

What do you think of this? Is it uncompromising? Is it unfair? Is it true? After all, Jesus says that a good tree cannot bring forth bad fruit and a bad tree cannot bring forth good fruit. (Matt 7.17) What does this “truth” do to your soul? Does it make you angry, feel guilty, hopeless? Hopeful? Since, surely if Jesus said that, he had to have some hope that it could be possible that we could be people that don’t ‘blow it’!

I find this quite challenging! I am angry when I hear it. I am rebellious. Where is the grace? where is the hope. How could I possibly be such a person? Everybody that I know that doesn’t occasionally ‘blow it’ is an unbearable and infuriating PAIN! All my life I have been a person who blows it. I would like to be a person who doesn’t, not because it would be a notch in my belt, but because somebody who doesn’t blow it would be like Jesus: and most likely I wouldn’t be a person who hurts others.

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what to do about leadership?

I have always been a leader simply because people are prepared to follow somebody who sounds like they know what the are talking about and who acts with conviction. I am now in a quandary. I am discovering depths of distrust in leaders that I only suspected are there. Did Jesus ever mean for us to give away our lives to church leaders and leaders of nations etc in the way that we do? I suspect not. He says to call nobody father because there is only one Father and he is in heaven. In his Lord’s prayer he teaches us to pray that his Kingdom would come on earth as it does in heaven. I don’t think that this means that we are to follow blindly leaders’ vision of what that means and join organizations which are reflections of each particular leader’s own wounding. I don’t even think that  teams are necessarily a guarantee against that because men gather other men around them that have similar brokenness, so what is likely to come out of their mouths will probably bear out what the “leaders” think in any case.

What is the answer? Communities of like minded adults who take mutual responsibility for each others’ lives and spur each other on to maturity in Christ. He will fulfill the work he has started in us, and he uses people, but church leaders cannot, in more than a peripheral way, be part of that, since, unless they have relationship, they will hardly ever be in a position to dispense justice and discipline redemptively.

I am going to start praying for people to be church with.

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Leaders

Leaders have such a hard job shame.
I don’t want to be led by anybody but Jesus anymore. I will be led by him as example and as Father and brother. It is much too easy to be wrong and think that you have covered all the bases. Relationship is the answer. Leadership is a cop out both for the leader and the led. It seldom produces real disciples. I want t be a self-led person. I want others to be self-led too. I would rather be a friend and example. It is much harder and genuine. There is no inherent acclaim and credibility.

I am getting to the “{not going to church” place again… I fear…

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down again

a cold fear
hedged my heart in
harsh words
of running away
i set my jaw
losing you is here again
like so many times
somebody says they’ll leave
but this time i’ll not
protect my heart
i’ll take it on the chin
 and me a man
i’ll take it on the chin
pain cries in many voices
not l of them mine
we’ll pick up the pieces
because we love

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